


Much Ado About Hazelnuts

by jellybeanforest



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Cap-Ironman Bingo, Domesticity, Established Relationship, M/M, Slice of Life, Stark Raving Hazelnuts, puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-21
Updated: 2019-08-21
Packaged: 2020-09-23 16:56:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20343517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jellybeanforest/pseuds/jellybeanforest
Summary: “I can explain,” Steve says, caught red-lipped and red-handed, spoon already hitting bottom on the last pint of Raspberry Thorbert. It had been the only flavor left besides Tony’s.Betrayed, Tony stares through the porthole window at the stack of unopened cartons of Stark Roast Coffee still sitting untouched and unwanted in the freezer. “Steve… how could you? Captain Ameri(cone) Dream, sure. Apple Pie of My Hawkeye… very on-brand for you with the patriotism and all so I get the appeal.  But Raspberry Thorbert isn’t even ice cream!”In which pints of Ben & Jerry’s Avengers-themed ice cream are sold in variety packs, and someone (Steve) keeps eating everything but Tony’s flavor. Of course, Tony takes his boyfriend’s ice cream preferences as the personal affront it definitely is (not).For the Cap-IronMan Bingo 2019 Round 2 – Stark Raving Hazelnuts





	Much Ado About Hazelnuts

**Author's Note:**

> You know that scene in the Simpsons where Homer buys a lot of Neapolitan ice cream but only eats the chocolate side? Yeah… that’s Steve, but J.A.R.V.I.S. is the one who keeps ordering the value pack.

“Honey, you want me to get you some ice cream while I’m in here?” Tony calls out to Steve from inside the walk-in freezer.

“No, I’m good. I’ve got my protein shake right here,” he replies, taking a slurp of his post-workout treat.

That earns Steve a chuckle. “Always the consummate fitness fanatic, I see. You’ve got to live a little, Cap. I’m telling you, if I had your metabolism, I’d… Huh. J.A.R.V.I.S., I know you love me, but you don’t have to order so many pints of Stark Roast Coffee. We can’t keep up.”

“I do not order Stark Roast Coffee specifically, sir,” came the omnipresent voice as dry as the British butler after which he had been patterned.

Tony emerges shortly after, carrying a pint. “Funny you say that, considering the ice cream section is half full of the stuff.” He opens a cupboard to retrieve two bowls then quirks an eyebrow at Steve in lieu of a question. Steve shakes his head in refusal, prompting him to return one of the bowls before dipping into the utensils drawer.

“My apologies, sir,” J.A.R.V.I.S. drones on. “I do not order _only_ Stark Roast Coffee. We have a standing reorder for the ‘Avengers Fun Pack,’ and all other flavors are regularly consumed. If you would like, I could cancel the variety pack and select individual flavors based on team preferences.”

Tony stops, spoon just breaching the unbroken creamy surface of the new carton. “Wait. You’re saying no one likes _my_ ice cream flavor? How is that possible? It’s coffee. Everyone loves coffee. And Thor’s flavor is sherbet. That’s like the worst. Ben & Jerry should have gone with a sorbet. At least then, they’d have an option for our vegan and lactose-intolerant fans. But no, they had to settle on ice cream’s far-inferior, dairy-infused cousin,” Tony grumbles, turning to Steve for validation. “You like Stark Roast Coffee, don’t you, babe?”

Steve downs half his shake before responding. “I don’t know, Tony. I don’t really enjoy ice cream all that much. Too sweet.”

“I saw you eat an entire double-tier cake on your birthday. By yourself.”

“Did I say sweet? I meant cold. Much too cold,” Steve quickly amends, tapping the side of his glass and peaking over at Tony from the corner of his eye. Steve had never liked the cold, not since he woke up from the ice nearly seventy years in the future. In fact, he preferred to sleep stripped to his underwear in a warm room, curled up next to Tony. Tony had found the arrangement much too hot to be comfortable, but he supposed relationships were about compromise, and if a running heater is what it took for Steve to be happy in their bed, then so be it. He didn’t want a chilly environment to trigger the poor man, after all.

Still, there was something off about Steve’s excuse, even as Tony struggled to give him the benefit of the doubt.

“Alright, but you’re missing out,” he finally settles on, spooning out a scoop before returning the container to the freezer. He then takes it down to his workshop, likely to solder more weapons to War Machine. Rhodey had always wanted superior firepower, preferring brute strength over agility.

Once Tony is far out of earshot and Steve can no longer hear the elevator gliding down, he looks up at the ceiling to address J.A.R.V.I.S. “I can hear your judgment from down here, loud and clear.”

“I did not say anything, Captain Rogers.”

“Well, your silence is deafening.”

J.A.R.V.I.S.'s admonition is crisp but even. “I believe you have just told sir a falsehood. By my calculations, you are the greatest consumer of ice cream on the premises.”

“Statistics might be different if the Hulk ate anything besides chocolate,” Steve protests glumly.

“If I may be so bold, you should consider telling sir the truth. Reviews of Stark Roast Coffee consistently find the flavor a touch bitter or slightly chalky, though people tend to like the chocolate-espresso ripple and hazelnuts, which are said to add a nice textural component.”

“I’m sure it tastes fine.”

“You are allowed to eat less than one pint in a single sitting. You should sample sir’s ice cream.”

Having finished his shake, Steve rinses out his glass to place inside the dishwasher. “Thanks for the suggestion, but I'm good.”

There’s a beat of silence where he assumes J.A.R.V.I.S. has clued in to his dismissal, then: “The new shipment of ice cream comes in Tuesday. If you move quickly, you may be able to secure your own pints of Hunk-a Hulk-a Burnin’ Fudge and Black Wi-Dough before Dr. Banner allows the Hulk to consume our entire inventory.”

“…Thanks, J.A.R.V.I.S. I’ll keep that in mind,” Steve says, taking a mental note to show up early, perhaps when Tony is sleeping or working, to claim his favorites.

This will be their little secret. Tony never has to know.

* * *

Tony finds out anyway.

It all comes to a head the following day, before J.A.R.V.I.S. even has a chance to replenish their ice cream supply.

“I can explain,” Steve says, caught red-lipped and red-handed, spoon already hitting bottom on the last pint of Raspberry Thorbert. It had been the only flavor left besides Tony’s.

Betrayed, Tony stares through the porthole window at the stack of unopened cartons of Stark Roast Coffee still sitting untouched and unwanted in the freezer. “Steve… how could you? Captain Ameri(cone) Dream, sure. Apple Pie of My Hawkeye… very on-brand for you with the patriotism and all so I get the appeal. But Raspberry Thorbert isn’t even ice cream!”

“Well, you see–”

Tony stalks back towards him, laying out the results of the research he conducted over the prior 24 hours. “I knew it wasn’t Clint. He kept claiming responsibility for eating everything but Stark Roast Coffee just to annoy me, but he’s lactose intolerant, and the amount of lactaid pills he’d have to take in order to ingest that sort of volume would likely be fatal. It wasn’t Nat either. She actually does find ice cream too sweet. Thor is more of a pizza-and-beer kind of guy. Banner eats Stark Roast Coffee occasionally, but not at the levels necessary to deplete it, and did you know the Hulk only likes chocolate?”

Steve has the grace to look sheepish.

Tony gasps, pointing a sharp finger into the other man’s chest. “You did, didn’t you? Because you like Hunk-a Hulk-a Burnin’ Fudge and Black Wi-Dough, too! You actually love ice cream. All of it, except mine! You- you lied to me…” he thins his eyes in suspicion. “Is Steve Rogers even your real name? Are you a goddamn Skrull?!”

Steve sighs, closing his eyes to massage his temple at the other man’s rather dramatic antics. “Tony, I’m not a Skrull.”

“Oh, so the real Captain America is a liar, then.”

“See, this is why I didn’t tell you. You’re overreacting.”

“I am _not_ overreacting,” Tony declares, as if he hadn’t just conducted a survey of the team’s ice cream consumption habits to understand the unpopularity of Stark Roast Coffee (and possibly by extension, Tony Stark himself). “I’m normal-reacting to my boyfriend lying to me about such a small insignificant detail, that I must wonder what else he’s hiding inside that perfectly-coiffed head of his. What other lies have I yet to uncover, Steve? _If_ that is your real name…”

Steve drags one hand down his face, sweeping it behind to rub the back of his neck in annoyance. “Fine, the truth is I’m allergic.”

“Right. Tell me another one, completely-invulnerable super soldier,” Tony scoffs. “I’ve read your file.”

“Well, if I’m being exact, I _used_ to be allergic,” he clarifies, “To nuts. Had asthma, too, but you knew that already. It about damn near killed me as a kid, when a candy bar was almost a death sentence. I already couldn’t breathe, and then you add the swelling… We still had epinephrine then. Hell, I used it for the asthma, had to put it through a glass tube and inhale it by squeezing this rubber bulb. Sometimes, I couldn’t squeeze hard enough when I was panicking so Bucky had to help me. I also had the injections for anaphylaxis, but sometimes they didn’t dose it right. Felt like a jackrabbit about to pound its way out of my chest.” He knocks his fist against his chest as if he can still feel it, the fluttery tightness, the helplessness exacerbated by his abject fear.

_Stevie, Stevie, please! C’mon, Stevie, breathe for me,_ he can still remember his mother saying as she planted her hand on his stuttering chest after administering his medicine. Steve’s vision had gone blurry, but he remembered her, trying to stay calm so Steve might calm himself.

“Not allergic anymore, but I still can’t stand nuts,” he finishes.

Tony is silent, then: “So that’s why?”

_C’mon, you can do it. In-and-out, in-and-out,_ his mother’s voice repeats rhythmically.

Steve chokes.

“Yeah.”

* * *

When Steve arrives at Tony’s workshop later to spend some quality time with his boyfriend, Tony is on the phone.

“I’m glad we could come to an understanding,” he says, hurrying to finish upon Steve’s entrance. He ends the call, his face lighting up as he welcomes Steve with a kiss on the cheek.

“Good news, honey. They’re changing Stark Roast Coffee,” he positively beams.

For his part, Steve is apprehensive. “They are?”

“Yep. I just put in a couple calls, made my impassioned case, and now, Ben & Jerry’s will be unveiling a new flavor named in my honor.”

“You didn’t have to. I’m sure a lot of people liked Stark Roast Coffee, and now they’ll be disappointed when it’s discontinued.”

Tony shrugs. “They aren’t going to change the formula that much. They’re just going to tweak it slightly.”

* * *

**Three Months Later**

“The updated ice cream flavors have been released, sir,” J.A.R.V.I.S. informs Tony as he cuddles next to Steve in the Avengers Tower living room, sharing a pint of Captain Ameri(cone) Dream.

“Excellent. And?”

The AI _hesitates_, for lack of a better word.

“They have rebranded your ice cream flavor." He almost sounds sympathetic. "It is called ‘Stark Raving Hazelnuts,’ now with extra nuts.”

Steve nearly chokes on a bit of waffle cone, his shoulders heaving as his body is racked with coughs to dislodge it. Alarmed, Tony pats him on the back. “Steve… Jesus, are you okay?”

The man is still shaking slightly when his coughing morphs into a distinctive reverberation.

“You- you’re laughing!” He bats Steve on the shoulder, scooting away to the other side of the couch as Benedict Rogers breaks out into full guffaws.

“I’m- I’m sorry, Tony, but…” Steve trails off, unable to control his mirth as he tries to creep closer in an effort to comfort Tony in one of his rare failures.

Tony holds out a hand, keeping him at arm’s length.

“Traitor.”

**Author's Note:**

> Was this an excuse for terrible puns? Yes. Yes, it was. I was going to do ‘Halls of Van-hilla’ for Thor (honeyed vanilla ice cream) with Tony complaining that Steve would rather eat the most boring flavor around than his, but then I saw that Raspberry Thorbert was a thing and that seemed more in line with Ben & Jerry’s naming conventions.
> 
> Flavors:  
Hunk-a Hulk-a Burnin’ Fudge (Mint ice cream with a brownie core and fudge pieces)  
Stark Raving Hazelnuts (Coffee ice cream with hazelnut bits and chocolate-espresso ripple)  
Captain Ameri(cone) Dream (Basically Colbert’s Ameri(cone) Dream which is vanilla ice cream with fudge-covered waffle cones and caramel ripple)  
Apple pie of my Hawkeye (Vanilla ice cream with graham cracker crust and baked cinnamon apple bits and caramel ripple)  
Black Wi-Dough (Dark chocolate ice cream with chocolate chip cookie dough)  
Raspberry Thorbert (Raspberry sherbet)


End file.
